The Long Shadow

"The brighter the light, the darker the shadow."

This particular saying probably isn't anything new, but I first came across it when I first started my own spiritual path. The people I hung around with at that time seemed to repeat it a lot. I don't know why that was, but it did make me think about some things.

Now, I don't think that a guy who is a particularly noble specimen of a human being necessarily must have an equally horrendous dark side to match. However, I do think the brightness of his good side would make the dark look darker by comparison.

I do think there is a current bias in my local New Age community towards "love and light". People here seem to want to fill themselves with as much divine white light ( or something similar ) as possible so as to "push away the dark" or keep the "dark" influences outside. I also notice that most practitioners in the local holistic field focus on subjects like love, light, angels, spirit guides, ascended masters and other loving beings who are "helping to guide humans". Even the channelled beings only talk in terms of lovingness... or at least pay lip service to it. Whatever happened to the dark side of mankind? Where is the acceptance and understanding of it? Did our long shadow suddenly cease to exist because we are all filled up with so much light and friendly spirit guides?

I sometimes wonder if there are those who intentionally "push out" or "cast away" the darkness inside of them out of fear or disgust.

At one time, I too felt the need to push out what was in my dark side. However, when I did that, I became a lesser being. I did feel that floating sensation of loving and lightness, but I also felt hollow and, for lack of a better word, empty. After all, the shadow side of me is still me, without it, I would only be half of what I truly am. And really, with only half of myself, is that really the real me?

A friend once remarked that people tend to push away their darker sides because for some of them at least, knowing what they are capable of would sort of unhinge them. And if you believe in past lives, knowing that they were ... oh... someone like Adolf Hitler... might send some people to the loony bin. ( You know its funny, no reader ever says that their client might be someone like Adolf... )

I thought about it a bit and replied my friend. I said that, if I had murdered millions of people or destroyed worlds, I think I would want to know that. Why? So I would know what I am capable of. And understand why I did what I did so I can have that choice not to do something so stupid again. OR... I can choose to do it again... but I would do so KNOWING I did it.

I feel there is a certain power in being able to choose. Even if the choice is one of destruction and evil. One can then embrace the responsibility and the understanding that goes along with it. One would no longer be some kind of puppet of Fate or the guy who goes "I don't understand why I did it" or "I can't control myself"...

Is a lunatic who commits murders because some strange compulsion drives him to kill really a man with the power of choice in his hand?

For a very very long time, I was afraid of accepting who I am, because I believed that the totality of who I am would amount to some kind of monster. I was afraid of many many things, most of all, that the people I loved would not love me any more. However, if all of my friends only saw the "light" side of me and only liked that, can it be said that they truly like and accept me for who I am?

Having thought it through one very stormy night with the sea lashing strongly outside.... (yeah, my personal journey really DID bring me to that kind of place...on Christmas Day, of all days... sheesh) I made the decision to embrace and accept ALL of what I am, regardless of what I might turn into. Being a whole being is certainly better than being a hollow shell that just says whatever makes everyone else happy. :P

So did I turn into a monster?

Heh... the fact of the matter is this. I am now starting to realise what I am capable of. That has provided me with a source of strength and it has made me less ashamed of my own shadow. Before, I used to put on a loving and nurturing mask, trying to put out to the world that I was this person who "cared" a lot about others and who was "nice". Someone that people would "like" and flock to. The funny thing is, the more I try to do that, the more people I work with shy away from me.

I work in an environment where I have to manage large groups of people. For the longest time, the people I managed really pulled an odd face whenever I tried to behave in a "loving" or "nurturing" manner. Well, the moment I started being being true to myself... Imagine a person who acts like a field marshall, doesn't care two hoots about anyone, doesn't bother to remember anyone's face or name (unless they did something wrong) and who goes around interrogating people, playing good cop-bad cop when something goes wrong with the teams... things just smoothed out. For some very strange reason, people were able to accept... and even expect me to behave in such a manner. It was like the most natural thing in the world.

I have even had people starting to confide in me... THAT has never happened before...^^

In some wierd mystical turn of events, becoming the guy who lived all those unglamourous lifetimes solved some longstanding personal problems. It has also given me a certain kind of hope... that even if times become uncertain, I would still survive. I would have the strength to fight on and make my life... whatever kind of life I want it to be.