Never Forget Who You Are...

Had some free time today, went out and watched Singapore's first Cannes nomination "My Magic". I don't usually watch local movie productions, but I have always liked watching stage magicians, even though plenty of them make it their lives' work to debunk psychics and anything supernatural. I guess they do a lot of great work making sure people don't get conned by fake psychics or people who think they are psychic.

The other reason for my interest is that I feel a great deal of empathy for the main character in the movie. I have never been a chronic alcoholic, but I know what its like living at the bottom of the barrel, just surviving from day to day, nothing to look foraward to.

I think I was already dead inside, even before I lost my job to retrenchment the first time. Somewhere at the back of my mind, deep inside my own subconscious, I knew who I was but I never took action, I can't understand why I was so willing to pretend to be something I was not for such a long time. Was it the salary? The stability? Was it the respect? Certainly the salary was nothing to crow about and I didn't get enough of the other two as well. So what was it? I have no answer till this day.

The great tragedy of the modern age is that, with the continuous rush of things, the rat race and the anonimity of urban life, most people rush from birth to school to work to marriage and kids without stopping to think much about the direction of their lives. Soon everything is over, and if you don't believe in reincarnation, it will be time to account for the way you have lived your life. And the sad thing is that people can pass through life in today's world without so much as an insight on who they really are.

I think when we are children, we have an idea of who we are. Certainly, I did. If anyone asked me what I was, I would say I was a wizard. But then the world comes rushing in and you find yourself bombarded by opinions that make you feel as if what you are is too insignificant, too silly, too impossible to be true. Instead of fighting back, I decided to try and blend in with the rest and enter the Singaporean race for cash, credit cards and unchanging stability. In short, I wore a mask and became unhappy wearing it, but I guess I was too afraid to take it off. After awhile, wearing that mask too long, you really forget who you are. :P

In essence, I lost MY MAGIC... I lost touch of who I really am. In retrospect, being one of the jobless for as long as I had been really made me question what things were important to me. It also made me take radical steps in trying to find solutions in my life. I mean, seriously, after trying and trying for years to gain back some sanity, a steady income, respectability ... and a precious job... I said one day, "To heck with the normal methods! If I can't get my life straight doing normal people stuff, why not embrace the abnormal... or even the supernatural!"

Am I happier today just being who I really am? Sure. Have I found the sanity and respectability I craved? In an odd way... certainly. Am I still a bum who only works about 50% of the time? Yeah I sure am... and no, I am not an undischarged bankrupt and my neighbours have no idea what it is I do for a living. One lady thought I sold vitamins!

You know, I used to read Hellblazer and shudder at the thought that one day I might end up like John Constantine... It's a funny thing how Fate sort of makes life imitate art... minus the chain smoking, drinking and constant trafficking with demons.