All About Courage....

The last few years of my life has been.... strange to say the least... 

In the last 5 years, I've been paralyzed by pain for 3 days, limped around crippled by pain in my right foot for 6 months, summoned up cosmic entities, talked with the dead, travelled abroad more than I have in the previous 10 years, learned how to ride on a motorbike, walked around town in a period costume and now apparently... I'm learning this whole fighting stuff....:P

Most people my age would worry about car loans, housing mortgage, kids... career stuff... I'm worried about a guy who wants to teach me the whole warrior thingamagig.. but also.. I suspect... wants to egg me on to fight him.... funny thing is.... with dark circles around his eyes, he kinda reminds me a bit of kungfu panda's sifu.

Yeah well... kungfu panda....:P I kinda really empathize with him right now :( I highly suspect that in the history of Italian swordfighting.... there is probably no more woeful student than I .... haiz.... 

As it turns out.... I'm taking an abnormally long time to learn this whole swordfighting thing....:P Not only was I terribly unfit when I started out... (yeah... I could give panda a run for his money).... I cannot remember a darn thing I am taught.... 

See... most people will be able to "get it" when a certain move is demonstrated once or twice.. but it takes like 10 - 20 times for me to figure anything out. And yeah... I forget the whole thing just as easily.... :P 

This kinda makes me wonder if the lifetimes I saw in my meditative and night time visions are actually true.... I mean, if I was a soldier so many times in the past... this thing whole fighting thing won't be so hard to learn... right?

I mean, I'm not expecting to be some prodigy but SURELY.... it won't be THIS BAD.

I quizzed F about this... and her explanation is that.. well... I haven't been very active in this lifetime.. and was I more active... this learning curve won't have been sooooo....BIG... then she mentioned something about making the mind-body kinetic link and that I'm in the process of making it but... thanks to years of inactivity its taking goddamn long.

F has no doubt in her mind about what I was and am. I just wish had that kind of faith in myself.... but faith comes to her easily.... that's her gift.

Wolfy's explanation was that it's the Creator's way of making me appreciate learning the skill.....

My comment to that is....

...........

I want to say WTF!... but at this point... I have said it enough times already.

I was aware when I joined the classes.. that somehow up there would utilize this opportunity to teach me a few important life lessons... after all... this situation is a direct manifestation of my personal karmic patterns. Sometime last year, I said to myself and to up there.. hey man... I'm ready... just throw whatever you want at me... I mean.... its taken so long to get here.... I'm ready to stop fucking around with my life and get serious about this path I am on.....

So I knew I would meet people, situations ... stuff... that would force me to confront what I have put off for so long....

I just didn't think it would be ... this... tedious.

Soooooo.... has it been a complete washout? Actually no.... According to Wolfy.. I'm now looking trimmer and personally... I'm starting to be able to do proper push-ups and sit-ups (no, before this I have never done a single sit-up in my life.... not even my yearly physical fitness test in school ever made me able to do a single sit-up....) 

Some of you might wonder... am I just making a mountain from a molehill? Is this situation really being used by up there to teach me what I need to learn? Am I just being too credulous or arrogant... (I mean, seriously, why would up there bother with insignificant gnats like humans, right?)

Honestly.. I did wonder myself.... until 2 weeks ago....

As it turned out... I went to F's for a meditation.... started talking to her about a student I observed in class.... and well.. something happened.... 

See... F placed a glass bottle of water in the middle of her 2-seater sofa... that very firm one everyone loves.... she put it there in lieu of a table and sat in a chair facing me... (sofas aren't really good for her back... and no, she was not touching the sofa.. AT ALL).... the bottle was very securely nestled in the middle of the sofa between 2 cushions... 

However, the moment I started talking about karmic stuff and the student in question... and F interrupted me saying that my assumption was incorrect... the bottle... and I'm not BS-ing here.... rolled as though someone was pressing down hard on one of the cushions... 

That's right...a heavy glass 1 litre bottle rolled off the sofa apparently on its own power!

It broke with a smash just as F commented on my assumption about the student. 

It was such a shocking incident that we realised something was... amiss.... so to speak.... I guess we realised that the whole bottle incident happened because we were talking about this person... 

I don't think the bottle smashing was done by the person we were talking about (through some weird cosmic power) or by entities related to said person... F commented that it seemed more like a kind of cosmic emphasis to draw our attention to something in the conversation. After we established what it was we were supposed to note about the conversation... nothing strange happened after that.....

I must say.... this isn't the only weird.... "objects moving on their own incident" that happened in the last few months...:P There are others but I'll leave it to another time.

So yeah.. I know that I'm not attending the classes by chance... besides... I have dreamt of the place where the classes are held before I went there... and I did dream about the people I would meet... the truth is ... MOST of the students who are there now are people I have expected to meet for a very long time... and their faces.. though new... are familar to me...

I say MOST because there are a few people who didn't appear in my dream.... and I suspect aren't supposed to be there.... I could get into the discussion about karma and coincidences about this, but I'll leave it for another opportune time.

Anyways, being on this path has taught me a few things about how the "system" works... a person or situation will be thrown my way to help me to learn a lesson.... this person or situation will not disappear until I have "learned my lesson" so to speak. Usually the person or situation might be a karmic mirror for me (that is mirroring to me my own lessons) .... If I am able to understand the lesson and overcome the main issue that caused this lesson to occur, the person or situation in question will either disappear or fade into the background. If I choose to avoid the person or issue, similar issue will arise that will force me to confront the problem... usually of the same magnitude.

Since the breaking of the glass, I have come to understand the issue that the student in question was reflecting to me. We both "suffer" from a similar malady/disadvantage and that has helped me to reflect on my situation and to learn from it. That student has now faded into the background for me....

Unfortunately, 'cos I learned the prior lesson.... the next lesson has stepped up.... now my panda-eyed instructor is constantly in my face... so to speak... unknowingly (to him at least) he has become the "mouthpiece" of the universe to make me understand.... 

I suppose knowing my karma, it could not have been delievered by another kind of person... 

Wolfy said to me that if I deflected him or the situation .... another like him will take his place.... possibly a person with a similar character and of similar magnitude....

It IS possible such a person might be redirected by circumstances to stop by Singapore.... no matter how far away he or she might have to travel.... this HAS happened before.... I laugh to think of there being another swordsman in Singapore of the same magnitude as my instructor... I think if they ever met, they might feel the dire need to see who is better.

So I have to learn... or keep seeing the same guy... again and again.... how tedious...

So what is the lesson?

I think it has something to do with courage... or as ol' "Flower" says it.... ("Flower" is the translation of the name of the guy who wrote the martial arts manual that we study from.. I have included a page from his book right on top... yeah yeah... okay you guys can stop laughing now... our founder is a minor Italian noble named "Flower"....)....  courage, fearlessness.... audacity, is what "The Art" (of swordplay, combat... breaking people's bones) is about

In his book, where he uses 4 animals to describe the qualities of a swordsman, I remember reading that audacity is the most important of all the qualities.... the so-called "heart of a lion" - Audatia... 

Yeah... despite my own natural aggression... sadly... I fight like a chicken.... I know I have fear in my heart, but I don't know how I can overcome... unfortunately this is one of those cosmic lessons that don't just go away just because I understand the lesson... 

I guess the root of the problem is belief.... that's just something that is not my gift.... I'm the guy who questions beings who call themselves gods.... not the one who embraces faith. 

I have seen things that most people would thankfully never ever have to see and in the last 5 years, confronted things that would cause most people to shrivel up in terror... So how is it that I have the audacity to question... nay... shake my fist at a god and none to fight a man?

I mean...How the hell should I know?

Well... that's my problem... really.... I'm still searching for the answer... or as my senior would put it... I'm trapped in the prison that is my own mind.

"Update ur blog more often...."

"Update ur blog more often.... " that was what Wolfy said in between cigarette puffs last night....

"What on earth is there to talk about????"

Well, the holidays have been quite a washout for me. Christmas was snoozeville.... and if not for the fact that I asked Wolfy to organise something for the New Year, it would ALSO have been another night in snoozeville.

The only thing that happened over the Christmas - New Year holidays was that a senior student at the swordfighting school who moved to Finland because he found love is back with his wifey for a visit.  The amazing thing is that for a guy who was.... "a really really BIG GUY" (as in really really round)... he's now slimmed down so much he has almost no belly to speak of.... and yeah... arms with a lot of muscle. But that's not the most amazing thing.... he coincidentally... (now, in the world of karma there is really no true coincidence.... ) he looks remarkably like Clar, a friend of mine who moved to Edinburgh for study/work and who ALSO learns martial arts...

The similarities between the two guys is pretty amazing... both are gamers, both like similar games, both are equally well-educated... and er... both seem to have similar taste in women.... 

Of course, karmically speaking, I figure that with the senior student, K, am just now meeting the guy I am supposed to meet.... and Clar my friend who moved away was not truly the one I was to meet in this lifetime. Sometimes, your old friends, acquaintances, even enemies return to you, but just not in the form of the same person... its more like... the same set of personality traits (even in appearance), just in a different body.

There is a spiritual reason for this, but I think I won't get into it here. It's pretty complicated and requires a lot of explanation and ideas that you might find truly hard to accept.

Anyways, I kinda enjoyed my first meeting with K. Firstly, he brought some truly tasty liquorice-flavoured alcohol (terribly strong though) and I had a taste of Elk meat. :D And true to rumour, he is pretty eloquent. I don't know what the lesson is here for me... IF there even is a lesson, but I think the Source is showing me something about the whole situation, I guess I'll just have to figure it all out.

Martial arts wise, I think K and wifey have taught me some useful things. They also made it simple to understand.... gosh I wish people would use less words and just summarise some concepts... I realise that if I am to learn the er..... "medieval Italian martial arts system" taught at the school, I'll have to try and remember the info in really simple terms.... I mean, when you ARE fighting (either for your life or just to win)... can you even remember ANYTHING??? It's got to be simple with simple principles......:P

And no, I cannot for the life of me remember all those Italian words.....:( I mean, that whole walky-thing-with-the-scissor-legs has a similar sounding name to the system of unarmed combat..... haiz..... it was not until I did some googling that I finally figured out the difference with the spelling...... :P

Despite the terminology, and the fact that I'm probably the second newest and least talented student at the school... I am in fact rather enjoying the experience... I do admit, I like physical combat.... even though I look nothing like a fighter. I think I am starting to learn my own strengths through this...

The strangest thing is that everyone in the school is like some kind of karmic mirror for me. Perhaps I am in turn a karmic mirror for them... but.... oh well... we'll see.... I am learning lessons from each of them... from the smallest person to the biggest.... Now, being a smallish person myself (Wolfy I'm sure will not agree with this) who is ... height-challenged... I learned that it is important to not be fixated on conventional means of fighting but to capitalise on one's strengths and find a way around things, no matter how impossible something is.... but more important, not to build the belief that because one is physically challenged, one cannot win a fight by force of arms...

Okay..... well, maybe this kinda thinking only works for me and no one else.....:P So far its been okay..... I did manage to make a few lucky stabs at some people and I'm sometimes surprised at what I can do....

I am pleased with the progress I have made ... even though the triumphs are pretty mini compared to... some other people... but that's related to another lesson I gotta learn.....

Okay... the last thing... before I end this LONG post....

I did another stupid thing today and visited LP to make another outfit......:P

I think when it comes to er.... the outfits, I must have lost all my brains or something....

Anywho, the outfit I got LP to look at is the one below:

My original intention was to make another Ezio outfit like in 2012... but I realised that with things being uncertain in this world, its probably better to do what I wanna do now and not put it off till later. 'cos later might mean that "resources" now available might not be available at the time I want them..... (I'm not talking about money here)

Also, after wearing my silver doublet with the poofy sleeves for like 3 days in a row.. I sorta realised that having 2 outfits is better in terms of look, feeling ( yeah... even if I used the Peppermint to limit odours and sweating, the inner shirt can get pretty grimy after 2 consecutive days in Singapore weather.) and er... heh.... smell.... *grin*.... some gal at STGCC actually commented that I smell an awful lot like cheesecake.... eeeeewwwww... she also remarked that it made her feel hungry... I don't know if that is a compliment or.... 

Well.. she was a pretty weird little girl anyway.... she asked me if I would give her my Ezio outfit.... :P

SOOOOOOO.... I guess I've got my work cut out for me, since I also decided to make the armour myself... (this is to lower cost and er.... I don't really wanna wear PVC armour anyway)

Lastly, I did also think about perhaps getting LP to refurbish my robes instead. It WOULD be cheaper. However, the more I looked at my robes the more they started to resemble.... a nightgown. I mean, its okay for Dumbledore to walk around in a nightgown because he is an old fuddy-duddy.... I think I'm FAR from fuddy-duddy-ism...

I also think my personal tastes are changing. I used to think robes were okay.... until I realised that er.... one of the guys I dislike wears robes at cosplay too ... probably because it helps to hide fats.....:( Also, during some of the conventions, when I met some of the OTHER "Ezio"s I am pretty glad I don't have 3 spare tires on my tummy nor do I look like a stick in jeans.  :P

I tried googling for a nice robe design, but for the most part, the concept art of most robes look nasty... (they mostly look like crumpled and oversized pjs) and the robes on most neo-pagan and larp sites look even worse than the one I have now.....:P

In fact, the black Ezio outfit does really look much nicer .... and if I wanted to, I could just take off the armour and wear them like robes... heh.

Mannnn.... if designers could just take a totally unconventional view on wizard fashion... we could have some pretty nice things.... I did like the outfit below:

 

But I just didn't want another PVC coat. Yeah probably this design would require a lot of PVC for the leather effect. And what's more, how on earth am I gonna clean this crap???

Lessons... lessons....:P

I used to think that once I got out of school, that was it! No more lessons :P Well, I guess that shows how much I know about life :(

I was told early on my current spiritual path, that there would be lessons for me to learn.. usually one after the other. And that it was only after I learned the lessons that those who came into my life to teach me those lessons would disappear.... in a manner of speaking.... What this means is that, certain people will appear in my life, act out a drama in front of me or with me and then... well... its like the universe or the Creator waits to see how I respond to it. If I am able to understand the lesson I am being taught through the interaction, the person or persons will "disappear" from my life. (Either they will stop appearing OR they are still there but act differently or completely ignore me)

I recently met a couple that played out such a drama.... with the usual controlling boyfriend and doormat girlfriend. It was like a non-stop train ride cos they would show up, at the dot, every single day at the place I'm currently holed up in to do my sideline painting job. It sorta took me some time, but I figured out the co-relation between me and that whole drama the duo acted out in front of me. Actually, because I really felt badly for the girl, I mailed F about this situation.

Well, amazingly once I shot out the email to F explaining the lesson, the couple stopped coming! Well, they do still come to the shop I'm at, but I've only seen them like once in the past week. And strangely enough, their squabble doesn't seem as bad. I think I've even seen the bf give the gal an affectionate hug and an apology.... :O

Well, F's comment to me about the couple, on the day we met for dinner was, "Do you still doubt it?" 

To be honest, I have learned some pretty incredible things in the past few years about... life, the spiritual world and how this whole crazy universe might possibly function. Sometimes, it borders on the edge of ... impossibility.... I often wonder... how I can even accept such things as real and valid.... ( I hesitate to use the word "believe" because I don't quite think I have made that "leap of faith" ... so to speak )

So yes, on some level I think there is a kennel of doubt... 

Am I "creating" my own reality because of my own altered perspective of the world... or is everything really changing around me because of something I did spiritually... I guess only time will tell, and I will be watching...

Anyways.... the place I'm currently holed up in.... so I can do my painting job without my father's ever judgemental eye... is a pretty strange ... crossroads. Also, it is probably one of the few places in Singapore where normal people not in the New Age community can talk about aliens, ghosts, vampires, werewolves, wraiths, psychics, freemasons, hermetic orders and other stuff without feeling strange about it...

Why is that so? Well... it is amazing what you can get away with by simply calling the place a "game store"... I think its probably one of the first places in Singapore where I found out about hermetic orders like the Golden Dawn for instance.... yes, game writers are also avid readers.....

It amazes me how people from other countries actually manage to find the store by simply googling it. More than once, I have overheard customers saying to Da Bear (the store owner) how they found this place through just searching google. :O That's pretty amazing since I know of people who have problems just getting people to LOOK at their website. 

About the store... well... all kinds of people wander into it. I notice, mostly people who are quite good at speaking their mind and are slightly or severely elitist. It also attracts people on the other end of the spectrum. Those who have problems communicating or expressing their feelings or are awkward in some way who desperately want people to notice or respect them and who desperately want the respect of the elitists in the store.... I can think of a few off-hand :P

That place has also attracted the ... truly bizzare..... like..... the man who would not bathe..... ewwwwww..... currently an urban legend... (but a true one).... who frequents the dhoby gaut area. 

I think the reason for that sort of attraction is that.... the place... as one customer remarked to me.... allows people to relax and be who they truly are.... that is, if you completely ignore the stares of the denizens who frequent the premises.

Now, I don't think people there are so accepting that they can accept ... all kinds of people, and sometimes they do talk about the "odd behaviour" of certain individuals.... now, I learned that if you ignore them completely, you can behave as you like... as long as Da Bear determines that it doesn't disrupt business and people don't complain. Heck, I think some of the people there end up as a sort of freakshow attraction.

Also... since, the store has its fair share of odd individuals, it takes something TRULY BIZZARE to raise eyebrows.... Moreover, since most elitists are pretty self absorbed their attention span on you (if you are the odd man out) is pretty minimal at best... unless you offend them seriously....  then prepare to defend yourself verbally.... a lot of wit does help in this case....

And ... if they do notice you as being truly odd... then well.... magnify your oddness and do it with flair and it seems... well... people might applaud it..... in a freakshow kinda way.

The thing I learned about all of this is...well... simply DON'T CARE.... Don't give a hoot what people think about you.... after all.... if you don't truly admire or respect those you are around... then maintain an air of politeness and act as you please.... Honestly, if there is anything to be learned from the elitists is... well... don't pretend to be who you are not.. cos otherwise you will be pretending all your life.....:P

How tiring...:(

And don't give a flying fuck.... cos I think that's how most elitists attract others... I guess people "admire" them because they constantly put out that they don't really care what others think of them.

Well.... I guess I'd better stop now... I reckon I still have some lessons to learn before its all done.... and then we'll see what happens....:)

Recollections Of Past Acquaintances

Good Friday is traditionally a day where history and the past are brought to my attention. I suppose it has something to do with the significance of the day itself. No I don’t actually celebrate Ostara a la Wiccan/neo-pagan style, however, I do attend the occasional Good Friday service… often at the urging of Christian acquaintances who have no idea what it is I do half the time when I’m not pursing cash returns from honest labour. Prudently, to prevent unnecessary debate, I have omitted mentioning what it is I actually believe.

This day sort of brings to mind a conversation I had recently with a young person who is interested in metaphysics. In recounting some of my own experiences, I have come to understand incidences that have occurred in my life some 4 years ago.

Some 3 to 4 years back, I was surrounded by people and incidents that seem to have stepped out of some kind of bad movie about the paranormal. The thing is, I have always had a circle of friends who are either psychically gifted in some manner or who are engaged in occult practices. The thing is that until about 4 years ago, they haven’t really bothered to mention what it is that they do… when I’m not around. I think they were pretty comfortable in their own circles, doing what they were doing, until I arrived. At least that is my perception of how it all unfolded.

Skipping a lot of what happened in between, I knew a lot of people back then who became highly unbalanced when they stepped into my circle of friends. They were pretty normal before they got to know us, sure they had their problems, but the problems at least did not have a supernatural dimension. Or, even if the problems had a supernatural or spiritual dimension, it didn’t become as nasty as it did when I found out about my friends’ metaphysical pastimes.

Now, I am not too sure WHY the situation became as bad as all that, part of the reason is likely because when I started my own journey into the metaphysical some 4 to 5 years ago … I did so not by reading from self-help books or the internet and then experimenting on my own (something a lot of my friends did I think…) I went out and sought teachers, practitioners, members of the New Age and metaphysical community for advice and instruction. In the process, I got to know a lot of people in this field, which, I now feel, might not have been the best thing for my circle of friends.

On hindsight, meeting these people triggered a whole stew of reactions from my friends. Some of the practitioners they liked and are still keeping in touch with today, but on the whole, seeing some of these people in the New Age community triggered and avalanche of emotions and desires from the people I knew.

Some of the people I knew and some others I got to know all had the same kind of problem … ALL wanted to be something other than who they are. There was this one guy who really really wanted to gain power through metaphysics, but who had absolutely no talent at all in this area… in fact, as friends pointed out, he could easily gain power and control in his life by sitting his folks down and letting them know about his needs and problems… and also by visiting the gym frequently so he would feel fitter and have a better self image…

To date, he has done neither and is still delving into metaphysics… pretty unsuccessfully… I might add… as an avenue of power.

The other more extreme case was that of this gal who desperately wanted/needed attention and had a strong desire to be special. My sis commented to me before that if she cleaned up and shampooed her hair more often, (my sis thought her hair was way too greasy) she would look rather attractive… and be special by being herself. I guess, being herself was not enough for her so she went through this spell led by The Shark which was supposed to turn her into a lizard… energetically and soul-wise. (If it doesn’t sound like it makes sense.. well, it really doesn’t to me.)

The Shark did it hoping that it would give her some confidence…. And create something she could feel special about. He saw it more as a placebo. However, looking on hindsight, I guess if you have a dying need to be special and not want to be yourself… then well, it doesn’t matter what you do because it will never be enough.

Now I hear she wants to be a man… and is contemplating sex change… Which…. In part was sparked off by some dream she had where she was some male alchemist… presumably in some medieval past life…:P

Then there was this lady who claimed she was the “daughter of god”… I hope we were the only people she said this to because I don’t think anyone else would be quite as understanding.

I guess back then, I should have questioned why it was that I was meeting all these people. If I had taken my lessons more seriously, I would have seen that everyone I met was a mirror of myself.

I guess back then I…. did not want to be who I am. I remember in the years that passed, I was struggling with trying to get a “respectable” job… living a “respectable” life… in a sense… as F repeatedly tells me… I’m not really doing what I really wanted to deep down inside… or what I should be doing.

You know, its pretty funny now to think about it, I had the same problem as the people I met… just on opposite ends of the scale. I suppose if any of them were to read my blog now, they would think I’m stewing in hubris… However, I don’t think they would like being in a life where just about every job that they apply for turns out to be some giant dud where the company goes bankrupt and the boss runs away without paying… And ironically the only job that they can hold onto is the one that well… allows them enough time to fulfill their spiritual/metaphysical duties.

I used to joke that I know a lot of con men and law breakers…. Well, that unfortunately is very true… I have gone to the government and police for help… there was even one who is very likely engaged in some big time money laundering. Well, they haven’t been able to put those… criminals… behind bars. However, I’m glad I’m not the only one with this problem… one of the practitioners I spoke with recently had a similar story to tell…

“Do you think I WANT to be in this line?” she remarked…. Yeah I know where she’s coming from. We both want the cushy corporate job and big bucks…:( The sad thing is we both spent quite a lot of years trying to pursue the cushy job and big bucks…. Haiz.

I guess I might have said this before in one way or another in my other blog entries. However, it had never occurred to me before why it was I met all those people who really weren’t satisfied with who they were and were desperately trying to be someone else. I always thought that they were … annoyances. Well, now I see… it really is true… everyone you meet IS a mirror for you to learn your lessons.

Mirrors of the Universe

There are some days where I just wanna scream.

Some time ago, I discovered that before I came into this lifetime, I... had arranged for myself to go through certain experiences so that I can recognize certain undesirable patterns in my... "karmic dance" so to speak... and hopefully overcome these patterns. I suppose in this respect, I am not unique. Countless times, I have heard testimonies from people on spiritual paths about how they have arranged for themselves to go through certain experiences for the purpose of their own spiritual learning and evolution.

Well, I know that I am not the best person around, and certainly I am aware that I have killed men as a soldier, robbed random passabys as a bandit, and heck, was once even a pirate. So I expect that there would be quite a lot for me to learn in this lifetime. However, on some days, it just seems that whoever it is... my own subconscious self or the universe has it in for me. I keep getting smacked in the face with the lesson... repeatedly... :P

Although I have tried to delude myself over the years, I am in truth a pretty arrogant and unsympathetic person. I don't really care about others as much as I appear to ... I sometimes put on a mask because I am expected to. For instance, I am expected in my work to show that I am concerned about each and every single member of the teams. What can I say, its the stupid company policy... Well, sometimes I do care about individuals and how they are doing, but most of the time, I am just satisfied if we call get our work done.

I run the teams like an army commander does his platoon. It is therefore pretty fortunate for me that I tend to get more men than women in my teams and they don't seem to mind my style of management. We all speak as frankly as is possible to each other, considering the general culture of silence in this country... and I get to say stuff like "do this ... or else..."

Sometimes I'm surprised they don't hate me to the core. I think some of them find me tedious, but they don't have that burning hatred in their eyes, thank goodness.

Anyways, because of what I had arranged for myself to experience before I came into this lifetime... I constantly get "mirrors" of myself walking around...

Does this mean that I meet lots of occult practitioners who are somewhat like me in personality... actually... I DO meet lots of practitioners of all types, but ironically they are nothing like me... the "mirrors" are usually people I meet in my course of work who reflect aspects of my personality...

This week, I came face to face with arrogance...

One of the young guys in my teams is appears to be a fairly smart fellow who is pretty well-spoken. Unfortunately, I noticed that he doesn't seem to treat his team members... (they are all soft-spoken ladies)... with much respect... I sometimes get this feeling as I pass by that group that he secretly looks down on them... I notice that he makes no attempt to socialise with them at all and only maintains minimum contact with them... In terms of teamwork, it does compromise on work quality and I end up having to try and get them to work together.

Luckily for this young fellow, the ladies in his team are generally forgiving and they do not see him as being overly arrogant or looking down on them... I sometimes wonder if they do understand the snide looks and remarks that he makes....

I really really cannot stand him. :(

At the same time, I wonder if it is my own tendency to judge others that results in the negative feelings that I get from him... the ladies have told me that he has apologised to them frequently... perhaps for being not there when they need him. Perhaps he does somehow know that he is a prideful individual... perhaps he has the need to appear to be "a nice guy" to others...

I am tempted to try and "change" him, but I know that it would be an interfering and unnecessary action and something that I can save my energy and not get involved in. I suppose I can try to learn from what I observe.

I am aware that when I get competitive or when the issue of respect arises, I do have a tendency to say and do stuff that puts others down or behave in a rude and aggressive manner... over time, I have taken notice of that tendency and tried to downplay it or be more diplomatic... However, as the "mirror" emerges this week, I wonder if I sometimes don't also secretly think that someone is dumb and unconsciously treat that person in a condescending manner.

Now, I have had opportunities to witness the value of different individuals. To see that everyone has their place in the scheme of things and everyone has different things they are good at. However, that does not stop me from thinking that some people are truly truly... stupid. :P I guess it is probably in the makeup of who I am ... I do have a tendency to place people on a scale of how much I should respect them based on their their show of intellect. I admit, that is pretty shallow because often those who speak loudly don't know half of what they claim to understand.

Well, I just got to rant to get this off my chest :(