Lessons... lessons....:P

I used to think that once I got out of school, that was it! No more lessons :P Well, I guess that shows how much I know about life :(

I was told early on my current spiritual path, that there would be lessons for me to learn.. usually one after the other. And that it was only after I learned the lessons that those who came into my life to teach me those lessons would disappear.... in a manner of speaking.... What this means is that, certain people will appear in my life, act out a drama in front of me or with me and then... well... its like the universe or the Creator waits to see how I respond to it. If I am able to understand the lesson I am being taught through the interaction, the person or persons will "disappear" from my life. (Either they will stop appearing OR they are still there but act differently or completely ignore me)

I recently met a couple that played out such a drama.... with the usual controlling boyfriend and doormat girlfriend. It was like a non-stop train ride cos they would show up, at the dot, every single day at the place I'm currently holed up in to do my sideline painting job. It sorta took me some time, but I figured out the co-relation between me and that whole drama the duo acted out in front of me. Actually, because I really felt badly for the girl, I mailed F about this situation.

Well, amazingly once I shot out the email to F explaining the lesson, the couple stopped coming! Well, they do still come to the shop I'm at, but I've only seen them like once in the past week. And strangely enough, their squabble doesn't seem as bad. I think I've even seen the bf give the gal an affectionate hug and an apology.... :O

Well, F's comment to me about the couple, on the day we met for dinner was, "Do you still doubt it?" 

To be honest, I have learned some pretty incredible things in the past few years about... life, the spiritual world and how this whole crazy universe might possibly function. Sometimes, it borders on the edge of ... impossibility.... I often wonder... how I can even accept such things as real and valid.... ( I hesitate to use the word "believe" because I don't quite think I have made that "leap of faith" ... so to speak )

So yes, on some level I think there is a kennel of doubt... 

Am I "creating" my own reality because of my own altered perspective of the world... or is everything really changing around me because of something I did spiritually... I guess only time will tell, and I will be watching...

Anyways.... the place I'm currently holed up in.... so I can do my painting job without my father's ever judgemental eye... is a pretty strange ... crossroads. Also, it is probably one of the few places in Singapore where normal people not in the New Age community can talk about aliens, ghosts, vampires, werewolves, wraiths, psychics, freemasons, hermetic orders and other stuff without feeling strange about it...

Why is that so? Well... it is amazing what you can get away with by simply calling the place a "game store"... I think its probably one of the first places in Singapore where I found out about hermetic orders like the Golden Dawn for instance.... yes, game writers are also avid readers.....

It amazes me how people from other countries actually manage to find the store by simply googling it. More than once, I have overheard customers saying to Da Bear (the store owner) how they found this place through just searching google. :O That's pretty amazing since I know of people who have problems just getting people to LOOK at their website. 

About the store... well... all kinds of people wander into it. I notice, mostly people who are quite good at speaking their mind and are slightly or severely elitist. It also attracts people on the other end of the spectrum. Those who have problems communicating or expressing their feelings or are awkward in some way who desperately want people to notice or respect them and who desperately want the respect of the elitists in the store.... I can think of a few off-hand :P

That place has also attracted the ... truly bizzare..... like..... the man who would not bathe..... ewwwwww..... currently an urban legend... (but a true one).... who frequents the dhoby gaut area. 

I think the reason for that sort of attraction is that.... the place... as one customer remarked to me.... allows people to relax and be who they truly are.... that is, if you completely ignore the stares of the denizens who frequent the premises.

Now, I don't think people there are so accepting that they can accept ... all kinds of people, and sometimes they do talk about the "odd behaviour" of certain individuals.... now, I learned that if you ignore them completely, you can behave as you like... as long as Da Bear determines that it doesn't disrupt business and people don't complain. Heck, I think some of the people there end up as a sort of freakshow attraction.

Also... since, the store has its fair share of odd individuals, it takes something TRULY BIZZARE to raise eyebrows.... Moreover, since most elitists are pretty self absorbed their attention span on you (if you are the odd man out) is pretty minimal at best... unless you offend them seriously....  then prepare to defend yourself verbally.... a lot of wit does help in this case....

And ... if they do notice you as being truly odd... then well.... magnify your oddness and do it with flair and it seems... well... people might applaud it..... in a freakshow kinda way.

The thing I learned about all of this is...well... simply DON'T CARE.... Don't give a hoot what people think about you.... after all.... if you don't truly admire or respect those you are around... then maintain an air of politeness and act as you please.... Honestly, if there is anything to be learned from the elitists is... well... don't pretend to be who you are not.. cos otherwise you will be pretending all your life.....:P

How tiring...:(

And don't give a flying fuck.... cos I think that's how most elitists attract others... I guess people "admire" them because they constantly put out that they don't really care what others think of them.

Well.... I guess I'd better stop now... I reckon I still have some lessons to learn before its all done.... and then we'll see what happens....:)

The Best of Times.... NOT!

I'm not sure why it's happening, but it seems that in the past few weeks, one issue after another has popped up in my face. Honestly, I don't feel like confronting them at all... so I'm procrestinating on some of them... yes, I'm falling into my old pattern of not doing what I should be doing to solve the problem quickly. Haiz.

In fact, I got so busy that I completely forgot to attend a talk about paganism given by a friend. The only reason I even managed to get there was that I accidentally stumbled into it. I went to the area to meet Wolfy, and since he was late... as usual, I went for the talk instead. I guess my own subconscious has a way of bringing me to where I really want to be... heh.

Well, I was pretty surprised at the talk's turnout... and what's more surprising was the fact that they weren't all young/teenage people as well... I mean, I didn't know that there were so many people interested in paganism or the idea of doing magic spells. I thought the local New Age community as a whole was a little bit magic-phobic.

* * * * * *

I am currently facing trouble at work now with the teams. The problem lies with this one very quiet individual who has issues with another member of the team, but is unwilling to communicate her feedback to the one she has an issue with. In fact, she shot me an email accusing the person she has an issue with of not working well. Naturally as the supervisor, I had a talk with the accused individual. The individual was very surprised by the feedback and has expressed willingness to change... I therefore tried to get this quiet individual to talk with her team member, and give her feedback... but, well, won't you believe it, she is completely unwilling to...

At this point, this all just turned from a simple case of (perhaps) miscommunication... to outright backstab....

I never like the sullenly quiet who go behind people's backs and make some kind of accusation and yet are too cowardly to stand by what they said. The problem with this kind of person is that it is often quite hard to really find out what they are thinking. I mean, i do get intuitive images in my mind or feelings about someone, but I usually have no proof to go asking the person if they are "okay".

In fact, I think I have asked that same person if she was "okay" quite a few times... because she distinctly looked disgrunted.

Anyways, I really hate it when these things happen. My "job" is tough enough without having to also settle group politics... I mean, sheesh... most guys in group politic situations either sober up when I point out the benefits of fulfilling their objectives... or just defer to the alpha guy in the group. And if the alpha guy is the problem, well, most of them sober up when I have a "talk" with them about the importance of showing good leadership in the team....

My "talks" aren't exactly done in the spirit of advice or counselling... its more like... "Here's my reccomendation..." OR "Keep it together... OR ELSE!"

Sounds pretty bad, but it works. Only for guys... and ladies who are uber alpha-type, aggressives and won't bow to any other authority that isn't stronger than them. Most bullies soon learn that its not a smart thing to mess around with the guy controlling their advancement... so to speak.

Generally I tend to manage all male or predominantly male teams, but I do sometimes get the occasaional all gal team.. and really... they always feel I'm stepping on their feelings... but honestly, its all just business to me... nothing else.

So anyways, yeah... work hasn't been good haiz...:(

Resisting Change... Haiz

Was filling out a form today, something that would help me expand opportunities for myself, but dammit... it took me SO LONG just to fill out that damn thing... almost 1 whole day... I sometimes really really wonder if I really really want to have all the changes that have recently come into my life.

Many years ago, I made a determination when I started out on my current spiritual path, that I was going to try to change my life. I keenly felt that I had wasted my time, especially in my youth and I decided that it was time to live for myself and be myself for a change. Instead of living for someone else and by the standards of others. But well, dammit, it's as if there is some great great reluctance in me to make these changes. I understand that I have a great desire to remain static and it has been a great pattern in my past lives, but I didn't think that it would be THIS BAD :P

Shucks... I really should stop this habit. :(

Recollections Of Past Acquaintances

Good Friday is traditionally a day where history and the past are brought to my attention. I suppose it has something to do with the significance of the day itself. No I don’t actually celebrate Ostara a la Wiccan/neo-pagan style, however, I do attend the occasional Good Friday service… often at the urging of Christian acquaintances who have no idea what it is I do half the time when I’m not pursing cash returns from honest labour. Prudently, to prevent unnecessary debate, I have omitted mentioning what it is I actually believe.

This day sort of brings to mind a conversation I had recently with a young person who is interested in metaphysics. In recounting some of my own experiences, I have come to understand incidences that have occurred in my life some 4 years ago.

Some 3 to 4 years back, I was surrounded by people and incidents that seem to have stepped out of some kind of bad movie about the paranormal. The thing is, I have always had a circle of friends who are either psychically gifted in some manner or who are engaged in occult practices. The thing is that until about 4 years ago, they haven’t really bothered to mention what it is that they do… when I’m not around. I think they were pretty comfortable in their own circles, doing what they were doing, until I arrived. At least that is my perception of how it all unfolded.

Skipping a lot of what happened in between, I knew a lot of people back then who became highly unbalanced when they stepped into my circle of friends. They were pretty normal before they got to know us, sure they had their problems, but the problems at least did not have a supernatural dimension. Or, even if the problems had a supernatural or spiritual dimension, it didn’t become as nasty as it did when I found out about my friends’ metaphysical pastimes.

Now, I am not too sure WHY the situation became as bad as all that, part of the reason is likely because when I started my own journey into the metaphysical some 4 to 5 years ago … I did so not by reading from self-help books or the internet and then experimenting on my own (something a lot of my friends did I think…) I went out and sought teachers, practitioners, members of the New Age and metaphysical community for advice and instruction. In the process, I got to know a lot of people in this field, which, I now feel, might not have been the best thing for my circle of friends.

On hindsight, meeting these people triggered a whole stew of reactions from my friends. Some of the practitioners they liked and are still keeping in touch with today, but on the whole, seeing some of these people in the New Age community triggered and avalanche of emotions and desires from the people I knew.

Some of the people I knew and some others I got to know all had the same kind of problem … ALL wanted to be something other than who they are. There was this one guy who really really wanted to gain power through metaphysics, but who had absolutely no talent at all in this area… in fact, as friends pointed out, he could easily gain power and control in his life by sitting his folks down and letting them know about his needs and problems… and also by visiting the gym frequently so he would feel fitter and have a better self image…

To date, he has done neither and is still delving into metaphysics… pretty unsuccessfully… I might add… as an avenue of power.

The other more extreme case was that of this gal who desperately wanted/needed attention and had a strong desire to be special. My sis commented to me before that if she cleaned up and shampooed her hair more often, (my sis thought her hair was way too greasy) she would look rather attractive… and be special by being herself. I guess, being herself was not enough for her so she went through this spell led by The Shark which was supposed to turn her into a lizard… energetically and soul-wise. (If it doesn’t sound like it makes sense.. well, it really doesn’t to me.)

The Shark did it hoping that it would give her some confidence…. And create something she could feel special about. He saw it more as a placebo. However, looking on hindsight, I guess if you have a dying need to be special and not want to be yourself… then well, it doesn’t matter what you do because it will never be enough.

Now I hear she wants to be a man… and is contemplating sex change… Which…. In part was sparked off by some dream she had where she was some male alchemist… presumably in some medieval past life…:P

Then there was this lady who claimed she was the “daughter of god”… I hope we were the only people she said this to because I don’t think anyone else would be quite as understanding.

I guess back then, I should have questioned why it was that I was meeting all these people. If I had taken my lessons more seriously, I would have seen that everyone I met was a mirror of myself.

I guess back then I…. did not want to be who I am. I remember in the years that passed, I was struggling with trying to get a “respectable” job… living a “respectable” life… in a sense… as F repeatedly tells me… I’m not really doing what I really wanted to deep down inside… or what I should be doing.

You know, its pretty funny now to think about it, I had the same problem as the people I met… just on opposite ends of the scale. I suppose if any of them were to read my blog now, they would think I’m stewing in hubris… However, I don’t think they would like being in a life where just about every job that they apply for turns out to be some giant dud where the company goes bankrupt and the boss runs away without paying… And ironically the only job that they can hold onto is the one that well… allows them enough time to fulfill their spiritual/metaphysical duties.

I used to joke that I know a lot of con men and law breakers…. Well, that unfortunately is very true… I have gone to the government and police for help… there was even one who is very likely engaged in some big time money laundering. Well, they haven’t been able to put those… criminals… behind bars. However, I’m glad I’m not the only one with this problem… one of the practitioners I spoke with recently had a similar story to tell…

“Do you think I WANT to be in this line?” she remarked…. Yeah I know where she’s coming from. We both want the cushy corporate job and big bucks…:( The sad thing is we both spent quite a lot of years trying to pursue the cushy job and big bucks…. Haiz.

I guess I might have said this before in one way or another in my other blog entries. However, it had never occurred to me before why it was I met all those people who really weren’t satisfied with who they were and were desperately trying to be someone else. I always thought that they were … annoyances. Well, now I see… it really is true… everyone you meet IS a mirror for you to learn your lessons.

Mirrors of the Universe

There are some days where I just wanna scream.

Some time ago, I discovered that before I came into this lifetime, I... had arranged for myself to go through certain experiences so that I can recognize certain undesirable patterns in my... "karmic dance" so to speak... and hopefully overcome these patterns. I suppose in this respect, I am not unique. Countless times, I have heard testimonies from people on spiritual paths about how they have arranged for themselves to go through certain experiences for the purpose of their own spiritual learning and evolution.

Well, I know that I am not the best person around, and certainly I am aware that I have killed men as a soldier, robbed random passabys as a bandit, and heck, was once even a pirate. So I expect that there would be quite a lot for me to learn in this lifetime. However, on some days, it just seems that whoever it is... my own subconscious self or the universe has it in for me. I keep getting smacked in the face with the lesson... repeatedly... :P

Although I have tried to delude myself over the years, I am in truth a pretty arrogant and unsympathetic person. I don't really care about others as much as I appear to ... I sometimes put on a mask because I am expected to. For instance, I am expected in my work to show that I am concerned about each and every single member of the teams. What can I say, its the stupid company policy... Well, sometimes I do care about individuals and how they are doing, but most of the time, I am just satisfied if we call get our work done.

I run the teams like an army commander does his platoon. It is therefore pretty fortunate for me that I tend to get more men than women in my teams and they don't seem to mind my style of management. We all speak as frankly as is possible to each other, considering the general culture of silence in this country... and I get to say stuff like "do this ... or else..."

Sometimes I'm surprised they don't hate me to the core. I think some of them find me tedious, but they don't have that burning hatred in their eyes, thank goodness.

Anyways, because of what I had arranged for myself to experience before I came into this lifetime... I constantly get "mirrors" of myself walking around...

Does this mean that I meet lots of occult practitioners who are somewhat like me in personality... actually... I DO meet lots of practitioners of all types, but ironically they are nothing like me... the "mirrors" are usually people I meet in my course of work who reflect aspects of my personality...

This week, I came face to face with arrogance...

One of the young guys in my teams is appears to be a fairly smart fellow who is pretty well-spoken. Unfortunately, I noticed that he doesn't seem to treat his team members... (they are all soft-spoken ladies)... with much respect... I sometimes get this feeling as I pass by that group that he secretly looks down on them... I notice that he makes no attempt to socialise with them at all and only maintains minimum contact with them... In terms of teamwork, it does compromise on work quality and I end up having to try and get them to work together.

Luckily for this young fellow, the ladies in his team are generally forgiving and they do not see him as being overly arrogant or looking down on them... I sometimes wonder if they do understand the snide looks and remarks that he makes....

I really really cannot stand him. :(

At the same time, I wonder if it is my own tendency to judge others that results in the negative feelings that I get from him... the ladies have told me that he has apologised to them frequently... perhaps for being not there when they need him. Perhaps he does somehow know that he is a prideful individual... perhaps he has the need to appear to be "a nice guy" to others...

I am tempted to try and "change" him, but I know that it would be an interfering and unnecessary action and something that I can save my energy and not get involved in. I suppose I can try to learn from what I observe.

I am aware that when I get competitive or when the issue of respect arises, I do have a tendency to say and do stuff that puts others down or behave in a rude and aggressive manner... over time, I have taken notice of that tendency and tried to downplay it or be more diplomatic... However, as the "mirror" emerges this week, I wonder if I sometimes don't also secretly think that someone is dumb and unconsciously treat that person in a condescending manner.

Now, I have had opportunities to witness the value of different individuals. To see that everyone has their place in the scheme of things and everyone has different things they are good at. However, that does not stop me from thinking that some people are truly truly... stupid. :P I guess it is probably in the makeup of who I am ... I do have a tendency to place people on a scale of how much I should respect them based on their their show of intellect. I admit, that is pretty shallow because often those who speak loudly don't know half of what they claim to understand.

Well, I just got to rant to get this off my chest :(