A Post Before Christmas,,,,

Once, many years ago, this festive season used to be the busiest time of the year for me... but not because of work... I used to have a lot of religious commitments... which is really really odd, because my family doesn't celebrate this holiday at all. They just go through the motions of celebration when invited to other peoples' homes for the sake of politeness (for some people)... or fun (for the rest of us...)

The thing about a having a father that reads a lot about his area of interest is that well, he found out long ago that decorating Christmas trees probably had its roots in ancient druidic practices... (I've wanted a tree since I was a kid but thanks to my father, they are out because he felt it was a heathen practice... ) Also, he felt that Christmas was a christianised version of the traditional pagan holiday of Yule and other similar year-end winter holidays celebrated by ancient non-Christian Europeans, so we have no celebrations at home except for a big dinner IF he and my mother feel like it... In fact, I remember working on Christmas day when I was a teenager trying to scrape together enough cash for stuff in the new year... because there was nothing else to do on that day...

Being a "by the book" kind of believer, my father felt that the only festival worth remembering on the Christian calender was Easter... It commemorating the death and resurrection of his Lord... since, as he said... it was the only thing that was commanded for believers to remember... and he does have a ton of theological knowledge to back his view.

You know, we don't ever have easter eggs or chocolates or bunnies at our house either... :P I wonder why since my father never made the whole Easter - Ostara connection.

I guess its because my folks aren't too much into having "fun". Or maybe its just too much effort to get stuff ready..... I dunno.... I see some gift chocolates on the table now, but I think its just in anticipation of returning someone's gift since it is likely someone will give  my folks something on Christmas day when they go for service... :P And believe me, my folks don't like making social boo-boos.

Anyways... so what does this season mean to me now? Actually its still one of the busiest times of the year for me 'cos for some weird karmic reason, the universe or Source makes it such that I see a huge parade of all the people I've either had issues with or who have issues with me...

In the past week, I met a person from my past I really didn't like.... and fell really really sick afterwards... yeah , I've got the stupid f****** FLU again with the slimy green phelgm. Some people are just "toxic"... as echoed by a friend who works at Da Bear's... I heartily agree.. I think next time if that m***** f****** b**** is gonna turn up at a meeting of old friends, I'll just be very rude and say "I don't want to make it".

Honestly, I have never been insulted in the face as many times as on that Thursday night... by that B****. But in an effort to save the rest of the innocent bystanders and pretty decent folk...from discomfort over me flipping the dinner table and walking out, I had to ignore all of that... I have no idea why that b**** seems out to get me this year since I don't think I ever did anything nasty to her.... :P

F says I am slipping in my meditations and spiritual practice and that's why I met those people... don't say I disagree with her... its been a very very hectic end of the year.... no time to consider stuff which I should be thinking about... I've still got a painting dateline and that sure isn't helping 'cos all I wanna do is sleep :(

But despite all that I'm feeling now about these very short and not very fun holidays, I did learn quite a lot about myself and managed to overcome a longstanding fear. I used to be afraid of meeting or confronting that nasty b**** .. and I really don't know why, since she isn't really anyone powerful or important... unlike some of my other old school acquaintances in the government... but now, seeing her after so long, I find myself laughing at my own silliness... why should a very very bloated, spiteful, lonely person cause me so much consternation? 

Perhaps, as F would say, "it is something energetic she is putting out..."... maybe she is right since none of the other normal people seated at the table said anything in retort when she started throwing her arrogance around... I mean, I used to think I was arrogant and self-absorbed, but now I think I'm pretty normal by comparison.

In fact, I think that in comparison to all the people from my past that I have met these past few weeks... most of my friends now are "normal" by comparison....

Anyways, I anticipate that this Christmas I'll be meeting more people from my past that I do not want to meet. I hope I don't end up punching someone.... cos I really don't have any more patience for people who for some stupid karmic reason, have some kind of issue with me.

Mirrors of the Universe

There are some days where I just wanna scream.

Some time ago, I discovered that before I came into this lifetime, I... had arranged for myself to go through certain experiences so that I can recognize certain undesirable patterns in my... "karmic dance" so to speak... and hopefully overcome these patterns. I suppose in this respect, I am not unique. Countless times, I have heard testimonies from people on spiritual paths about how they have arranged for themselves to go through certain experiences for the purpose of their own spiritual learning and evolution.

Well, I know that I am not the best person around, and certainly I am aware that I have killed men as a soldier, robbed random passabys as a bandit, and heck, was once even a pirate. So I expect that there would be quite a lot for me to learn in this lifetime. However, on some days, it just seems that whoever it is... my own subconscious self or the universe has it in for me. I keep getting smacked in the face with the lesson... repeatedly... :P

Although I have tried to delude myself over the years, I am in truth a pretty arrogant and unsympathetic person. I don't really care about others as much as I appear to ... I sometimes put on a mask because I am expected to. For instance, I am expected in my work to show that I am concerned about each and every single member of the teams. What can I say, its the stupid company policy... Well, sometimes I do care about individuals and how they are doing, but most of the time, I am just satisfied if we call get our work done.

I run the teams like an army commander does his platoon. It is therefore pretty fortunate for me that I tend to get more men than women in my teams and they don't seem to mind my style of management. We all speak as frankly as is possible to each other, considering the general culture of silence in this country... and I get to say stuff like "do this ... or else..."

Sometimes I'm surprised they don't hate me to the core. I think some of them find me tedious, but they don't have that burning hatred in their eyes, thank goodness.

Anyways, because of what I had arranged for myself to experience before I came into this lifetime... I constantly get "mirrors" of myself walking around...

Does this mean that I meet lots of occult practitioners who are somewhat like me in personality... actually... I DO meet lots of practitioners of all types, but ironically they are nothing like me... the "mirrors" are usually people I meet in my course of work who reflect aspects of my personality...

This week, I came face to face with arrogance...

One of the young guys in my teams is appears to be a fairly smart fellow who is pretty well-spoken. Unfortunately, I noticed that he doesn't seem to treat his team members... (they are all soft-spoken ladies)... with much respect... I sometimes get this feeling as I pass by that group that he secretly looks down on them... I notice that he makes no attempt to socialise with them at all and only maintains minimum contact with them... In terms of teamwork, it does compromise on work quality and I end up having to try and get them to work together.

Luckily for this young fellow, the ladies in his team are generally forgiving and they do not see him as being overly arrogant or looking down on them... I sometimes wonder if they do understand the snide looks and remarks that he makes....

I really really cannot stand him. :(

At the same time, I wonder if it is my own tendency to judge others that results in the negative feelings that I get from him... the ladies have told me that he has apologised to them frequently... perhaps for being not there when they need him. Perhaps he does somehow know that he is a prideful individual... perhaps he has the need to appear to be "a nice guy" to others...

I am tempted to try and "change" him, but I know that it would be an interfering and unnecessary action and something that I can save my energy and not get involved in. I suppose I can try to learn from what I observe.

I am aware that when I get competitive or when the issue of respect arises, I do have a tendency to say and do stuff that puts others down or behave in a rude and aggressive manner... over time, I have taken notice of that tendency and tried to downplay it or be more diplomatic... However, as the "mirror" emerges this week, I wonder if I sometimes don't also secretly think that someone is dumb and unconsciously treat that person in a condescending manner.

Now, I have had opportunities to witness the value of different individuals. To see that everyone has their place in the scheme of things and everyone has different things they are good at. However, that does not stop me from thinking that some people are truly truly... stupid. :P I guess it is probably in the makeup of who I am ... I do have a tendency to place people on a scale of how much I should respect them based on their their show of intellect. I admit, that is pretty shallow because often those who speak loudly don't know half of what they claim to understand.

Well, I just got to rant to get this off my chest :(

Remember That They Are Children...

Being in the thirty-something range often means that I get to see my contemporaries having kids of their own. I have a number of friends now who are young parents. I guess when you are a parent, everything in the world changes. Most normal people suddenly get this sense of responsibility and then their entire world revolves around their child.

I recently got to see a friend who had a newborn child. She is such a sweet little thing, but with a very aggressive personality. I really wonder how my friend is going to take it when that little toddler of hers grows to be a teenager... :P While talking and catching up (because we haven't seen each other in years) my friend made a remark that I found rather poignant.

"You know, they are born... already with their own personality," she was watching her own feisty child in a contemplative manner. "They say you can shape a child, nurture a character... but they already have their own personality."

It comes as no surprise to me that children which are born already have a personality. As a believer in reincarnation, I'd say that the personality that comes with a child is a product of eons of life as ... well, somebody. I think that it is possible to shape some aspects of a child's character, and teach him/her important life lessons, but really, some things are beyond the power of a parent to change. There are some patterns... call it the web of Fate or Karma that no amount of nurturing can disentangle...

I do not find it strange if a young person says he or she feels "old before their time" or "was born old". I do think there are those who are... for a lack of a better term "old souls", and their personality seems to show it. And if there are those who are old souls, well, there are also those who are young souls as well, who perhaps have few incarnations as humans or are even experiencing their very first one. It does show in their personality and their nature. I sometimes think that there are those who are created who seem to have an eternally childlike nature. I had thought that with multiple incarnations, eventually the child will "mature into adulthood" so to speak, but it seems that for some, that is not the case.

For some time now, I have been looking into groups of individuals, to see how various incarnations affect what they do and what they become. It seems to me there are some who, despite multiple incarnations, remain childlike. Unfortunately, because of this, responsibility, accountability and stability are not traits that are strong in them. I sometimes wonder why the creator chose for some to be in this state. Perhaps I do not see the complete picture since I am at this level of evolution. But I do not understand why they were created this way.

Unfortunately, (as a friend puts it) I have "chosen" to surround myself with many of these individuals. I have to say that although I can appreciate their endless curiosity and fun-seeking nature, I am sometimes disappointed... very much so... by their lack of understanding... and curiously enough... empathy...

I think to most of them I am a pretty dull individual. Almost like a parent. And therefore not really fun to be around most of the time. There are some who even ask me if it is necessary to think this hard... heh... Also, as I change and grow, I find that my priorities are shifting and I find myself becoming sterner in terms of character. I have tried expressing how I feel, but I doubt that they could truly understand the things that cause me concern.

At the end of the day, I have only this phrase with which to remind myself... "Remember that they are children..."

Problem is, physical appearances are always deceiving.

PS: I know the post is only published today, but I began writing this in December, forgot about it and came back to it. Problem is, this blog program seems to want to backdate my post.

Flu Again... is this ever going to stop?!!!

Despite my best efforts at self-care, I have caught the dreaded bane of my life... I've got the !&*^$*#&! flu :P Honestly, when I decided to seriously follow a spiritual path in end 2004, I stopped catching the flu every month. I was so happy and proud ... :( well, its now back and I got it the very same day I got it last month the 20th . Currently, I am living a far healthier life than I have lived before. I just found out that I lost some weight recently (hooray!) and I'm certainly looking trimmer than I have in years... but the stupid flu is back... I am pretty sure it's got to do with something karmic. Problem is, I don't know what and I certainly am having a tough time transfering the healing from the metaphysical to the physical realm for this one.

Friends have suggested before that its probably some really really big pattern that I am in... but seriously WHAT THE HECK is this pattern?

I am glad to say that I successfully brought into the physical, healing for a certain part of my physicality sometime earlier this year, so I am fairly sure the method I am employing does work. I am just not sure why its so tough this time. Could it be that I am just blind to the pattern(s) OR perhaps some incorrporeal powers-that-be are getting a jolly snigger over seeing me cough up my lungs?

I'm pretty tired of this. And seriously, I'm no Raistlin (yeah, its the non-stop coughing wizard from Dragonlance... yeah even I have read that stuff) because I don't use my chronic illness like some kind of dramatic device. Also, this time the flu was so bad, it affected both my arms and they SURE hurt like all hell with pain shooting from my shoulders down to my palms.

It took me awhile to remember that the whole arms thing was the result of a horrible ancient corporal punishment that I went through in one of my "colourful" past lives. It should have been pretty duh, its not a lifetime which I really want to delve into... 'cos I did some really stupid things that had huge reprecussions. Yeah, it was even worse than being a witch burning inquisitor :(

I'm stumped. Well, but as they say, life goes on and so does my own spiritual journey. I hope I find out soon what's going on. Seriously, I'm in no state right now to play metaphysical detective. Just trying to make sure that the teams do their work is a big enough chore. I swear, some people have 101 ways of squirming out of doing some work. It's not hard work... so I don't understand why some of them just don't do it and move on.