Mirrors of the Universe

There are some days where I just wanna scream.

Some time ago, I discovered that before I came into this lifetime, I... had arranged for myself to go through certain experiences so that I can recognize certain undesirable patterns in my... "karmic dance" so to speak... and hopefully overcome these patterns. I suppose in this respect, I am not unique. Countless times, I have heard testimonies from people on spiritual paths about how they have arranged for themselves to go through certain experiences for the purpose of their own spiritual learning and evolution.

Well, I know that I am not the best person around, and certainly I am aware that I have killed men as a soldier, robbed random passabys as a bandit, and heck, was once even a pirate. So I expect that there would be quite a lot for me to learn in this lifetime. However, on some days, it just seems that whoever it is... my own subconscious self or the universe has it in for me. I keep getting smacked in the face with the lesson... repeatedly... :P

Although I have tried to delude myself over the years, I am in truth a pretty arrogant and unsympathetic person. I don't really care about others as much as I appear to ... I sometimes put on a mask because I am expected to. For instance, I am expected in my work to show that I am concerned about each and every single member of the teams. What can I say, its the stupid company policy... Well, sometimes I do care about individuals and how they are doing, but most of the time, I am just satisfied if we call get our work done.

I run the teams like an army commander does his platoon. It is therefore pretty fortunate for me that I tend to get more men than women in my teams and they don't seem to mind my style of management. We all speak as frankly as is possible to each other, considering the general culture of silence in this country... and I get to say stuff like "do this ... or else..."

Sometimes I'm surprised they don't hate me to the core. I think some of them find me tedious, but they don't have that burning hatred in their eyes, thank goodness.

Anyways, because of what I had arranged for myself to experience before I came into this lifetime... I constantly get "mirrors" of myself walking around...

Does this mean that I meet lots of occult practitioners who are somewhat like me in personality... actually... I DO meet lots of practitioners of all types, but ironically they are nothing like me... the "mirrors" are usually people I meet in my course of work who reflect aspects of my personality...

This week, I came face to face with arrogance...

One of the young guys in my teams is appears to be a fairly smart fellow who is pretty well-spoken. Unfortunately, I noticed that he doesn't seem to treat his team members... (they are all soft-spoken ladies)... with much respect... I sometimes get this feeling as I pass by that group that he secretly looks down on them... I notice that he makes no attempt to socialise with them at all and only maintains minimum contact with them... In terms of teamwork, it does compromise on work quality and I end up having to try and get them to work together.

Luckily for this young fellow, the ladies in his team are generally forgiving and they do not see him as being overly arrogant or looking down on them... I sometimes wonder if they do understand the snide looks and remarks that he makes....

I really really cannot stand him. :(

At the same time, I wonder if it is my own tendency to judge others that results in the negative feelings that I get from him... the ladies have told me that he has apologised to them frequently... perhaps for being not there when they need him. Perhaps he does somehow know that he is a prideful individual... perhaps he has the need to appear to be "a nice guy" to others...

I am tempted to try and "change" him, but I know that it would be an interfering and unnecessary action and something that I can save my energy and not get involved in. I suppose I can try to learn from what I observe.

I am aware that when I get competitive or when the issue of respect arises, I do have a tendency to say and do stuff that puts others down or behave in a rude and aggressive manner... over time, I have taken notice of that tendency and tried to downplay it or be more diplomatic... However, as the "mirror" emerges this week, I wonder if I sometimes don't also secretly think that someone is dumb and unconsciously treat that person in a condescending manner.

Now, I have had opportunities to witness the value of different individuals. To see that everyone has their place in the scheme of things and everyone has different things they are good at. However, that does not stop me from thinking that some people are truly truly... stupid. :P I guess it is probably in the makeup of who I am ... I do have a tendency to place people on a scale of how much I should respect them based on their their show of intellect. I admit, that is pretty shallow because often those who speak loudly don't know half of what they claim to understand.

Well, I just got to rant to get this off my chest :(